


here is the secret that nobody knows (i don’t really need it)

by BadWolfGirl3



Series: ngymobblepot rewrites (nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong) [5]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, But what’s new, Canon-Typical Violence, Episode: s05e05 Pena Dura, Help, Hopeful Ending, I am, Love, M/M, Nygmobblepot, Pain, SO, So much angst, Why do I do this, but like squint or you’ll miss it, freaking, this is just sad, tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:59:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25664767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadWolfGirl3/pseuds/BadWolfGirl3
Summary: The most painful part of this whole fucking mess was learning that Oswald had been behind it. Ed deserves many of the things that he had done to him, he wasn’t going to delude himself by thinking otherwise, but he thought…He thought Oswald cared about him more than that.Stupid, stupid Edward.
Relationships: Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma
Series: ngymobblepot rewrites (nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you don’t belong) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826824
Comments: 8
Kudos: 51





	here is the secret that nobody knows (i don’t really need it)

**Author's Note:**

> This one... was actually really hard to spin a different way. I really wanted to do something involving the “what was I supposed to do, let you die?” line, that’s literally all I have written in my running fic doc, but when I rewatched the scene to get the dialogue, there was so much I wanted to keep scene wise- because it’s a really great scene. I realized that it was going to be difficult to get them together in a way that didn’t seem totally forced. They’ve come a long way since S3 at this point, but Ed is understandably in a really bad place and I was worried (am still worried) I wouldn’t be able to capture that discord while still getting them to a good spot. 
> 
> I ALSO wanted to keep the integrity of the scene; it’s so well done by Robin and Cory and I didn’t want to undermine any of that. Hence why it’s a little less “omg I love you and trust you always regardless of the shit we put each other through” than my others, and more “I don’t think I can trust you, or ever will, but maybe I can try”. Because Ed (and Oswald, really) isn’t in a place for that yet.
> 
> So we’ll see if I did it. I actually wrote the first half of this in Oswald’s POV, because honestly it was just easier, but then I trashed it and wrote it in Ed’s instead, because angst. Hence why it took me two weeks. Oof. So fingers crossed, y’all, here we go.

Even though he’s _furious_ at Oswald, hurting and betrayed and devastated, Edward can’t help but think how beautiful he looks in this moment.

The past months seem to have done nothing to him, except maybe make him even stronger. Ed isn’t really surprised; Oswald always had a knack for taking the worst situations and turning them around to benefit him- it’s one of the many things he admired (still admires) in him. In this moment Oswald is healthy, pale skin glowing, dark hair styled sharply, clothes fitting snugly over his frame. He is really, _truly_ , beautiful.

And Edward has never wanted to kill him more.

“What did you _do_ to me, Oswald?”

The gun he has pointed at him shakes slightly in his hand. He’s not thinking straight, hasn’t been for the past few weeks, but he’s sure about this. He’s never been more sure of anything else.

Oswald’s eyebrows rise. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, please,” Ed spits out, his upper lip curling. “You did _something_ to me.” He forces Oswald back towards his desk, the gun shaking more violently in his hand. “ _You_ are the reason that I killed those people!”

Every time he closes his eyes, Haven is all he can see. Their screams echo in his ears when he tries to sleep- if he tries to sleep. Most nights he stays awake, terrified of closing his eyes in case he loses control again. He can’t remember the last time he got a full night's rest- he probably doesn’t even want to remember.

“ _How could you_?” he continues. “You have made me into some _murderous puppet_!” He’s gesturing wildly now, brain spinning in a million different directions, but he can’t stop. He might never stop. “For _weeks_ , I’ve been waking up in strange places, not knowing how I got there or what I did, driving myself _mad_ , thinking I had gone mad!”

It was absolute hell. Ed _hated_ when he wasn’t in control, especially when it came to his mind (Oswald _knew_ this- Edward had told him about his hallucinations, late one night as they sat side by side on his threadbare couch in his cramped studio apartment, exchanging stories and old wounds, looking for a kindred spirit, some understanding, someone to keep them _grounded_ ). It was terrifying, being unable to trust his own brain. The amount of times he’d just broken down crying in the last few weeks-

_Focus_.

“And now I know that it was all your doing,” he finally continues. His voice starts to shake. “Of _everything_ that you have put me through…” Ed trails off, trying to pull himself together. “This…” He _hates_ the way his bottom lip starts to quiver, how tears are rising in the corners of his eyes. He shakes his head. “This is the most cruel.”

The most painful part of this _whole fucking mess_ was learning that Oswald had been behind it. Ed deserves many of the things that he had done to him, he wasn’t going to delude himself by thinking otherwise, but he thought…

He thought Oswald cared about him more than that. Thought that, even though he was his enemy, he would take his secrets and vulnerabilities to the grave.

All they had been through ( _why didn’t you just stay at the home? wait till she came back and kill her? then i wouldn’t have been here on time. you gave up your revenge for me?_ )- didn’t that mean anything?

Stupid, stupid Edward. How the mighty have fallen- all he is now is a foolish hypocrite, slave to his own emotions regarding Oswald Cobblepot and suffering for it.

Oswald opens his mouth and closes it, like a fish out of water. How is he going to wriggle his way out of this one?

Answer: he isn’t.

“Ed.” His voice is soft, hands held out carefully in front of him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I did not make you do _anything_!”

“Then what is ‘I’ll fix you’? What did that mean?” He grabs Oswald by the front of his shirt, yanking him towards him. “You didn’t fix me; _you broke me_!”

All Edward had ever felt around Oswald was whole. But everything is different now.

W- W-wait! No!” Oswald shoves his hands between them, gesturing frantically. “I said that to you… the night the bridges blew! I-”

Ed can’t listen to his lies anymore. He shoves Oswald away, pointing the gun at him again. “Think I wouldn’t remember?”

“No, Ed, _I saved your life_ , that’s _it!_ ”

Something in Ed’s stomach twists painfully. “What are you talking about?”

Oswald sighs, waving his hands around. “You had been stabbed, I paid Hugo Strange to save your life-” He gasps, snapping his fingers. “I bet he did something to you when he was patching you up.”

Ed pushes his glasses up his nose, trying to put all the puzzle pieces swarming around in his head together. He feels dizzy, unstable, like the floor has opened up beneath him and is about to swallow him whole.

“You paid Hugo Strange to save me? _Why_?”

_Why_? Why why _why_? What was the point? Where was the logic?

(They have been here before, on a cold pier on an almost cloudy day, Edward tired and in pain, but still, somehow, so very much _alive-_ )

The look Oswald gives him almost brings him to his knees. “What was I supposed to do, let you die?”

_And what the hell is Ed supposed to do with that?_ He opens his mouth and closes it, suddenly speechless. “What… I don’t-”

Oswald chuckles mirthlessly, turning away and stalking towards the window. “Look, if you still haven’t gotten it into your thick skull how much _I need you,_ then you can just-!” He cuts himself off, slamming his fists into the glass table beneath him. Edward doesn’t know what to _do_.

I need you.

I need you.

_I need you.  
_

”You...you do?” The words are so quiet Ed isn’t even sure they pass his lips.

Oswald laughs, though there’s no humor in it. “I never stopped.”

Oh.

_Oh._

They stand in silence for a moment before Oswald sighs pointedly, his shoulders rising and falling dramatically with the effort. He turns around, and Ed can’t decipher the look in his eyes.

“Edward Nygma. If I wanted you to suffer, I would never do it in some backhanded way.” He starts to slowly move closer. Ed tightens his grip on the gun, raising it higher.

“If you and I are _ever_ at odds again, you will know that _I_ -” he’s so close that the gun digs into his chest. It feels like a challenge- “am your enemy. I promise you that…” He stops, face tightening, eyes glistening. “As a friend.” His voice shakes, and he can’t seem to stop his chin from quivering.

Edward is angry. Broken and betrayed, defeated and in pain and so, so angry. He feels raw, like someone ( _Oswald_ ) has taken a knife and flayed him open, spit apart his ribs and removed his heart. He’s vulnerable, on display.

It’s how he always feels around Oswald. No matter what he does, the other man always sees right through him.

With an angry grunt, Ed wrenches the gun away from Oswald’s chest, stalking away from him. “I can’t _stand_ how you can just _say things like that_ and make it _impossible_ for me to-”

He can’t say it.

(Here is a secret: Edward Nygma does not hate Oswald Cobblepot. He could never. He tried, _God knows how fucking hard he tried,_ but he could never make himself do it. Something always just keeps pulling him back, and he’s powerless to stop it. He really doesn’t trust the man, not as far as he could throw him, but he doesn’t hate him.

He… he… Oswald…

_Fuck_ )

“To what, Ed?” Oswald suddenly just sounds tired.

Edward sighs with his whole body, more bone tired and helpless than he’s ever been. “Im- impossible for me to hate you.” The words are so quiet even he can barely hear them.   
  


“Oh.” Oswald sounds so _small._ ”You- you really don’t-?”

Ed turns his head away from him. “Not for a long time.”

”Oh,” Oswald says again. They are silent for a few seconds. It feels like hours. “I don’t... I don’t either. Hate you.”

More silence. 

Unable to stand it anymore, Edward slowly makes his way towards him. He exhales, a tired laugh that doesn’t sound like a laugh at all. “What a mess. I might have killed you, Oswald.” He pauses, swallowing thickly, then steps closer still, close enough that they’re almost touching. “And if that day comes, I swear to you: I will stare you in the eye as I stab you in the heart.”

_I will not stab you in the back. I... I... I care about you too much._

Oswald laughs softly, a thin smile stretching across his face. “That’s all I could ever ask for.” 

Ed thinks there must be something on his face, something that gives everything away (Oswald has always been able to read him like a book), because Oswald crosses the few inches between them, slowly, like approaching a frightened animal, and cups his face in his hands. Ed goes frighteningly still, tenses up like a deer in headlights.

“Wait, Oswald, I can’t- I don’t-”

“Shh…” Oswald gets up on his toes and brushes a soft kiss across his forehead. “I can wait. Just tell me…” He trails off. “Just tell me that I didn’t imagine it. That there’s… something there. That one day you might… might want more… with me?”

_Yes,_ Edward wants to shout. _That’s all I ever wanted!_ But he knows he’s not ready. Not yet. Not if he can’t give Oswald his trust.

(But maybe that’s okay. Maybe they can get there someday).

He takes a deep breath and slowly turns his face into one of Oswald’s palms, softly presses his lips to the center of it. “You didn’t imagine it. I… I need time. But you didn’t imagine it.”

Oswald’s responding smile could light up any darkness. “That’s all I want. I’ll wait, for as long as you need. _Thank you_.”

Ed opens his mouth to reply, but before he can the room shakes violently, some of the ceiling crumbling to the floor. Two of Oswald’s men rush through the door.

“Sir. GCPD and the army have blown through the gates.”

Oswald pulls away from Ed, slipping back into the Penguin. He can see the gears turning in his head.

Oswald looks back at him. “Come with me. We can find Strange together, make him reverse what he did to you.”

Edward swallows thickly. They don’t have a lot of time, and every instinct he has is screaming at him to go it alone, to not trust the man in front of him, but…

He nods. “Okay.” Slowly, hesitantly, Ed reaches down and grasps Oswald’s hand. They share a silent glance, just a brief moment of understanding, then Oswald is quickly pulling him towards an escape route.

Maybe he’ll come to regret putting all his faith in Oswald, Ed thinks as they speed away. Maybe the tentative _thing_ they have just managed to create will crack, shatter like glass at his feet. Maybe all they’ll manage to do is drive a wedge further between them.

But maybe they won’t. Maybe they can take what they’ve started and turn it into something _good_ , something _real_. Maybe, for once in his life, he can finally be _happy_.

And that, Ed thinks as he squeezes Oswald’s hand tighter, is definitely worth the risk.

**Author's Note:**

> And there you have it! It’s still 3 am and I’m so tired that my limbs are legit heavy, so I’m not going to bore you all with my sleep deprived rambling. Just be aware that there are probably a million little typos I'll eventually go back and fix once I've gotten at least eight hours of sleep. This was really draining to write, actually. I don’t really know why.
> 
> Let me know what you think, y’all. Stay safe!


End file.
